A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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