dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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