Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
