Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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