I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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