Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
