you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
