I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
