nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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