youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
