You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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