I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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