I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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