I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
