i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
