a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Randomize
