I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
