Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Enjoy the penises
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
