He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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