I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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