Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my phone needs a breathalizer
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
