Got a toothbrush?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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