i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
