How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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