I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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