i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The air was thick with penises
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dear god my vagina.
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