so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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