I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
