Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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