I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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