I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
