I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
