I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
