I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
