mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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