No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
