I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
