Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
