Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
