I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This baby is an asshole
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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