the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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