ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
