Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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