Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
