Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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