I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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