I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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