I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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