watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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