If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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