I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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