i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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