Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
